These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health
teachers by junior high, high scool, and college students around the
world.
It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create
under the pressures of time and grades.  All misspellings, etc are
genuine.

"When you breath, you inspire.  When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulpher, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is pure gin,
Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts; first inspiration and then
expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader."

"Artificial insemination is when a farmer does it to the cow instead of
the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consisits of three parts- the branium, the borax and the
abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of
which there are five--a,e,i,o and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of India."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the skeleton is
something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consisits of 8 canines, 8 cuspids, 2 molars, and
8 cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and the moon.  All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors
a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Many women believe that an Alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on
the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"Equator: a menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: a nest of youg puppies."

"Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person who is going away."

"Planet: a body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum:  a large empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed:  pull the head down over the knees until the heart
stops."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
artificial perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the persons chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the
hand instead.  Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical
doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has not
recovered,then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is
dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your
throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."