A C-152 and a C-5 were mixing it up in a local landing pattern. The little Cessna was on short final with the Galaxy screaming up from behind. Tower, concerned about clearances, directed the C-5 to go around. The C-5 called back, "Do you know how much it costs to run this plane for 10 minutes? "25,000 dollars!" Tower, not missing a beat returned, "Roger, C-5, Make a $25,000 turn to the right..." An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart, funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. The single agent was rebooking a long line of very inconvenienced and frustrated travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk in front of all the others. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled warmly and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the entire terminal. "We seem to have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come forward to the gate." With the folks behind him in line now laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth, and spat out the words, "F... you." Without flinching in the least, the agent smiled politely and said, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid that you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly and cheered. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United. This one particular Captain was notorious for falling asleep in flight.... usually right after takeoff - all the way till landing. One time the co-pilot decides to not wake him for landing, lands the airplane, taxies to the terminal and is just about to park the airplane at the gate.... as the terminal building is looming up in the window - the Captain opens one eye and says "pull up son, you're way too low." Controller: Flight XYZ, can you climb to FL390? XYZ: Standby (A few seconds pass) XYZ: We can make it, but we'll have to throw out a few passengers Controller: That's approved. Did you hear the Feds gave Santa a Checkride on Christmas Eve? As the examiner climbed on board he was carrying a big deer rifle, and said to Santa, "Don't be surprised if you lose one on takeoff". Heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AFC-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this: Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you reduce speed to 130 knots." Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya." Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots." Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots" Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots" Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?" Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you." TOP TWENTY ACTUAL TRANSMISSIONS MADE IN THE O'HARE TRACON, Compiled by John Carr for NATCA 20. Expect lower at the end of this transmission 19. Citation 123, if you quit calling me center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna 18. About three miles ahead you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles 17. If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor 16. You got him on TCAS? Great. When you're seven in trail, resume normal speed and call Chicago Center on 120.12 15. I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me 14. You got any more smart remarks, we can be doing this over South Bend...go ahead 13. You're going to have to key the mike. I can't see you when you nod your head. 12. It's too take for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare 11. Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace 10. Don't anybody maintain anything 9. Caution wake turbulence you're folling a heavy 12 o'clock, three...no let's make it five miles 8. Climb like you're life depends on it...because it does 7. If you want more room Captain, push your seat back 6. For radar identification throw your jumpseat rider out the window 5. Air Force One, I told you to expedite 4. Listen up gentlemen, or something's gonna happen that none of us wants to see. Besides that, your tickin' me off! 3. Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, tower inside, twenty-six nine...see ya! 2. Japan Air Ten Heavy, how about a radio check? (Response: Rogah, switching) 1. Turn in and take over...you know the rest. True story back in my freightdog days flying a C310 with no WX avoidance we used to take less experience pilots for the time and eventually move them over to the left seat when qualified. Late one summer night we were coming back to AGC from Cleveland with clear skis and a few isolated TRWs. One huge on was directly in our path and looked like a fireworks show. At an estimated distance of 50 miles I asked Scotty to call up and see if the controller could give us vectors. Scotty:" Center, Dashair 25 has a TRW at our 12 o'clock and was wondering if you have that on your radar?" Center: " Dashair was just going to call you, thats a Level 6 storm with tornadoes reported - do you want vectors around it?" Scotty looked at me and I grinned real wide. " Na - tell him we want to go straight through the middle" Scotty: " Ah Center Dashair is feeling lucky tonight - we like vectors straight through it" Center not missing a beat: " Roger Dashair in that case I'll have to issue you traffic, 12 o'clock 25 miles Doublewide, 5000 and climbing...." Someone let an airline ship their pet in the baggage compartment. Needless to say, the pet arrived frozen and deceased. The baggage handlers were reprimanded and the airline was sued. Several days later, after unloading another frozen pet, the baggage handlers decided to cover up someone's mistake by going to the local pet store and picking up an identical animal. When the owner retrieved their pet, they were shocked and amazed. It seems the owners were merely returning the pet for burial....it had been dead for several days. Recently, a Southwest 737 on the late night PHX-LAS-SAN rolled onto final approach to San Diego-Lindbergh with an impish Captain announcing to the tower, "Guess who?". The Local Controller, seizing the opportunity, shut off all the airport lights and replied, "Guess where?" During an approach in gusty winds a nervous passenger asked the commuter captain "Do you think you'll be able to get this thing down?!" The captain quipped: "I've never left one up here yet." After a rather pronounced bounce into MIA the Capt. came on the cabin intercom and said. "Just as I landed I saw a family of rabbits crossing the runway and I could not run over them so I jumped the aircraft over them instead." After a short pause the First Officer came on the intercom and said. "You folks are lucky, It was a family of elephants yesterday." Waiting to take off recently and heard a commuter pilot with a very jovial southern accent talking to tower; a Delta pilot in line to take off couldn't resist and asked, "Where'd you leave your horse?" to which the commuter guy quickly responded without missing a beat, "I left it at your wife's house.!" While I was standing in line for a jumpseat at the gate an agent was approached by a little old woman who was asked " would you like to have a window or an isle seat today? before he could finish she quickly responded with her hands over her head and said "Oh heavens no it will mess up my hair!